Before we even begin, yes, I have anxiety. Like the real, medical, doctor approved one. No, I don’t need a straitjacket. Most days, at least 😛
Jokes apart – I never knew until about a couple of years ago that I had anxiety. I went to a counsellor, spoke about things and I came to terms with it – in phases. It was easier when I was not a single mother, I agree – but in ways more than one it’s helped me that am a mother. I have an anchor, a talisman, a go to, a constant, that many people dealing with anxiety don’t – a beautiful, clear-headed, confident daughter. And that’s my strength more than anything else. She’s my goal, she’s my reason to want to get out of bed, the reason to want to push myself again, through what seems like another never-ending day. I look forward more than her to her coming back from school. Yesterday, for the first time in life -because of a thousand other things that were running in my head – I missed her dinner alarm – and the guilt trip that I went on from there, adding to that the anxiety, I felt myself spiraling down so fast I didn’t know what hit me. From waves of feeling like the most incompetent mother in the world, to the point where I thought she didn’t deserve someone as broken as me – it was horrendous. But somewhere, reality hit – and then it took all the strength in the world to come back. For someone who doesn’t understand mental illness, all this might seem trivial, but trust me – the smallest things are the things that hit us the most.
And then it hit me – to be able to smile at the crooked teeth and giggle till the tears stream, to be able to touch that warm face, to be able to squeeze that tiny body that once lived in me, to be able to smell the milky breath in the morning hug, to be able to cherish yet another kiss blown, I will come back, always. No matter what. And that knowledge, is enough to power me through another day.