May 15th 2007

was the day I lost you, sweetheart. Yes, you with the curly hair and the long nose. I did take a look at you before they took you away. I am so sorry. I wanted to hold you, but I was too scared. I was just a kid, then, 23, I know, but still a kid. I’d never ever held a baby in my arms. But then, I so wanted to hold you. And not let go. I wanted to put you right back in my womb, where you belonged, and will you to grow again. I argued with the doctor, and postponed the procedure until she told me it was becoming too dangerous to have you inside me. How can it be too dangerous to have a baby inside me? I said I’ll do anything to keep you safe. Eat greens. Not walk. Not wear jeans. Not go out. I said I’ll lie on my back until the whole 9 months are complete if that’s what it takes. But no, you took your own decision. The pain was too bad, sweetie. That was why I had to do it, because apparently, I was only damaging you, and myself further. So I did it, walked into the doctor’s room. Told her I wanted it done right away. No one understood why I had to do it alone. I didn’t want anyone to see me break into pieces. Didn’t want anyone to see me at my most vulnerable point ever. They thought I was being a b***h, because I was not crying at all. Little did they know my heart was breaking inside and I was trying to be as stoic as possible.

They tell me ‘ it’ was just five months old. And I shouldn’t have gotten attached to ‘it’ so much. To me,  you will always be you. A boy. Don’t ask me how I knew. I just did. Even before they told me, later. I fell in love with you the moment I came to know about you. How can anyone measure love by the time spent ? I hardly spent a couple of hours with your Dad before knowing he was the one I was going to spend the rest of my life with. And I have spent years with other people , but not loving them even one bit.9 revisions

Please take care of yourself too, because no matter what anyone says, you will always be my firstborn. My baby. My love. My life. Thank you for coming into my life, and enriching it, even if it was for five months. I did have the best time ever, with you. You have a younger sister now, Harshita. I told her about you, her Anna. Yes, I did. She might not remember you once she grows older,  maybe I’ll tell her again, once she is old enough to understand.

Till we meet again , sweetheart, hugs,  love and kisses. Be safe. Love you.

PS – I remember two people very clearly whom I called from the hospital. One didn’t know where I was, and one knew. You know who you are. Thank you. For listening. For understanding. For being there. I wouldn’t have been able to go on if it wasn’t for people like you around me. And am being very honest when I say I treasure each one of you, like I would treasure life. Thank you.

P.P.S. Amma has you on her back – a star, to always always remember you, and to take you everywhere she goes.

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6 thoughts on “May 15th 2007

  1. This was so difficult to read 😦 I am so sorry that you had to go through this , dear L. Hugs from me.

    1. Sorry I made you sad, S. I didn’t mean to. This was my attempt at closure. A friend of mine wanted me to just get it out. I generally don’t talk about stuff like this, even to myself. But he thought it was best to just write about it, and it did bring so much peace. Thanks though… Much appreciated 🙂

  2. This isn’t depressing, it is beautiful.. And you should take the credit for me feeling this way about it. It could have easily been anything but this. But, it is only your inner strength that can see beauty in the most unbearable of happenings.

    1. Aww. Thanks much. But seriously, I see you like this young kid who I didn’t really want to expose stuff like this to. 🙂 But thank you. That means a lot to me.

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