Because you asked me to.

I told you am feeling sad. And you asked me to write about it. Melancholy and drama should be my middle names, you know. Actually drama queen should be my middle name, and who knows it better than you? So. Here goes.

No, am not sad because I didn’t get to eat chocolate today. It’s been a very weird week. A real roller coaster ride, as cliched as it sounds. From the euphoria of travelling to Bangalore, where I had a lovely time shopping, dinner with a dear girlfriend, and most of the time just sleeping in, to plain “why”ness. Someone told me once that I am my biggest enemy. That things are never as bad as they seem. That I over analyze things. That am obsessive about things. Which I first denied, but have now come to terms with. Yes, this is me. I have more or less tried to battle the demons in my mind, but sometimes you don’t really know if there is a silver lining to something. Like a 12 year old boy suddenly being taken. One moment, there he was, all smiling. And the next moment, gone. I still cannot believe it happened. Wasn’t it only the other day that I blessed him, touched his shoulders ?  How does one say – it’s all for the best at times like these? How do you explain to a 4 year old that someone isn’t just there, anymore? And that tears come involuntarily. That eventually, she will understand? That you don’t need anything right now, and all you want is to just curl up and lie down? I really really hope the mother finds the strength, to cope. And that someday, she will be able to look back at his life and smile. For all the happy times he’s given her. Like I do, about Amma.

Fiction XXIX

“Go to sleep…” he says. “It is three in the morning.”

“I can’t. You know I can’t when am alone. You take a flight and come here and put me to sleep.” she replies, half-joking, half-hoping.

“Right.”

“Don’t go sarcy on me.”

“I always prioritaze things.”

“It’s prioritize. And prioritize what things?”

“Nothing. Never mind.”

“Please speak in English?”

“What?”  he asks, mildly angry. She knows that tone.

“I mean don’t speak in riddles. Am too dumb for all that.”

“I’ll do better. I won’t speak at all.”

“Don’t do that!”

“Go get some sleep. You need sleep.”

“You’ll be around?”

“You know I will.”

“Hmm.. Okie. Good night, then?”

“Close ‘em eyes and go to sleep. I’ll see you soon, when I sleep.” he whispers.

“Sigh. How do you say exactly what I need to hear?” she says, as she drifts off to sleep. Content. Peaceful.

Irony

Is it irony or is it fate that most times in life, the thing or the one you’ve been searching all over for was right in front of your nose, and you have been far too preoccupied to see it? Or is it meant to be that way, to make you realize that it isn’t always going to be a happy ending or  a fairy tale life? That there is more to everything than meets the eye? Why does it always seem like the moment you think, this cannot get any worse, life just throws a curve ball at you? Am not talking about my life, per se, but I have been seeing so many instances of this happening around me that nothing seems to make sense anymore.

Not one freaking bit. Sometimes, when I look at someone I feel like asking The One Up Above, if this really needs to happen. If that certain someone needs any more hurt. I mean I understand someone being dealt with a bad hand, but when it happens, time and over again, it just makes me lose faith in everything I believe in. I have never been a pessimistic person nor have I ever thought I’d be  the “glass  half empty” kind of a person. But what does one do when everything you’ve put your faith into, just crumbles? They ask us never to put all our eggs into one basket, but how can you not put all your faith in the one thing that you want to happen, desperately? How can you have faith divided into different baskets, and then be glad that at least some eggs are safe?

It has been one of those days where nothing has made sense. And apart from a few conversations, it has been completely forgettable.  I just want to assume the foetal position, curl up into a ball and go to sleep. But I know that I cannot do that. I need to buck up, plaster that smile, and trudge on, somehow believing that tomorrow’s going to be a better day. And that somewhere, out there lies the answer to everything. But all I need right now is a hug, and some laughter.

My 100th Post!

Yes, really! A century. My first! Ok I’ll stop now. Naah. Hundred, dude!

I had no idea I’d ever really blog seriously, until someone told me that the posts that I write make her believe in the fact that there is some good, out there. Her words, not mine . So to you darling, who’s starting afresh with a new life – I dedicate this post. Be happy always.PS. We still have to go do that girls’ night out thing the next time I’m in town. I have the perfect LBD for it.

To N, who lives in freaking Vegas (Vegas, baby!), but still wants to go to Bangalore to have walnut brownies with me. And wants to see our daughters become friends, like us. I dedicate this to you. You are the strongest woman I’ve met, and I hope I can some day be half as strong as you are. Here’s to you and the little angel in your life. Please please come back soon.

To M, who knows when to talk to me and when to listen. Who knows when to hold on and when to let go. Who has silently heard me sob, through the night and has said nothing. Whose patience is admirable. Who still owes me 6 Birthday gifts. Get married soon, you a$$! I need a bahaana to come to Kolkata and eat puchkas!

To A, who manages to make me smile when am about to burst into tears or rip someone’s head off. Who always puts my needs first. Thank you.

Finally, last but not the least, to you, Kanna, for being proud of my achievements, and for supporting me every step of the way. I love you.

And am back …

Yes, hello people! How have you been? I am so sorry I haven’t been around, but I do have valid reasons. Apart from temporary insanity, of course.  Where do I begin? I was sick and in the hospital, came back home and had to again be hospitalized. Nothing serious. Just  some stomach ulcers that needed to be treated. Two misdiagnoses later, I was on the right track. And then, the wisdom tooth chose to appear. And grow in a weird angle that caused the other teeth around to be infected, which needed a root canal treatment and an extraction. I’ll leave out the gory details. Anyway, am all better now and rearing to take on the world again!

Anyway, there is a point to this post. And I am getting there. Harshitha graduates from Nursery today. And will officially be going to “Big School” in a couple of months. I cannot help but think of the times when I’ve held her in just my arm, wondering when she’ll grow up. And now, it just seems like yesterday when she was born. Time does fly, and how! She’s wise beyond her age. I may be biased, but she has this amazing sense of empathy. She knows exactly what I am feeling and can sense a shift in moods. It scares me sometimes, because I get this eerie feeling am actually dealing with an adult in a pint sized body. It is such a blessing to have her. I hope she grows up but doesn’t  lose the  innocence and the light inside her.  God bless you my child.

 

Stitch by stitch

This song is going to be my anthem now. Thank you M, for this song. Am so thankful for friends who know how to put me back, stitch by stitch. Some know what am going through, and I’d like to keep it that way. No offence to anyone – but I am quite selfish about my pain I am so happy and thankful today for the love that I have around me.  All I have to do is look at Harshitha and have a tickle fight with her, and every trouble that ever worried me seems insignificant. Am going home after almost eight months and there is nothing like going back home to the place you grew up in to put a spring into your step. Ten whole days of awesomeness – and I cannot wait.

There’s this soul sister of mine, who lives in Vegas (Yes, Vegas, baby!) but who’s never visited the strip more than thrice. What a waste I tell you! Anyway, I digress. Coming back to her, she’s the awesomest, sweetest, and most loving girl I’ve ever come across – and I’d like to tell her that she’s been my strength and my weakness too. This is for you darling.

Pain…

sometimes just closes in on you. Without warning. Like a silver blade cutting s.l.o.w.l.y but surely into your skin. Gouging, bloody pain. Sometimes all it takes is something as simple as someone wearing a saree similar to yours, Amma. Or Harshitha’s lips, which twitch *exactly* the same way yours did… I know you’re out there, happy, somewhere, but I wish I had someone who loves me as unconditionally and as biasedly as you did. Biased because you thought I wasn’t fat, ever. Because I was never wrong. I never could be wrong. You knew not to say “I told you so.” You knew when to hold back, when to let go, and when to hold me. Missing you is a habit now. I still forget that you’re not around. I still have so much to say. So much to share.  I hope I meet you up there someday.